Author: H.J. Bender
Pairing: Sheik/Link
Rating: M
Summary: This is a ridiculously absurd story. You might need to see a psychiatrist after reading it.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all. I only own this fic.
-totally irrelevant lyrics courtesy of Freddie Mercury
Sheik and Link were going steady. The news broke shortly after the defeat of Ganondorf, and had pretty
much all of Hyrule in an uproar. Link’s legion of doting female admirers
were rendered shocked, dismayed and speechless when they discovered that
their heroic icon of chivalry and masculinity was in fact a cocksucking
queer. Princess Ruto even suffered a series of several massive heart attacks
in rapid subsequence upon learning of her flaming ‘fiancé’s’ fabulous new
lifestyle, and was bedridden for weeks thereafter, though her illness was
due in large part to psychosomatic symptoms, and because she was also a
histrionic hypochondriac.Link had actually de-closeted himself at the same time he announced
his partnership with Sheik, the stoic, blond haired, ruby-eyed Sheikah who
himself had quite a few admirers from both sides of the sexual spectrum. It
was disappointing to learn that the two most eligible bachelors (if not the
only eligible bachelors) in Hyrule were in fact shagging each other
on the sidelines the whole time. Well, perhaps that was an exaggeration; they were only dating now
and haven’t gotten beyond second base. They wanted everybody to be aware of
this, feeling that perhaps if Hyrule knew that they were taking it nice and
slow then maybe the kingdom’s respect for them would remain steadfast. It
did, though after much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the throne of
Hyrule, where Princess Zelda sat cold and alone with nothing to show for her
efforts of throwing herself into the path of danger just so Link would
rescue her with the hopes that love would bloom and then the marriage in the
spring would follow along with the new drapes in the Temple of Time,
etcetera ad infinitum. But the love never came for Zelda, nor did the marriage in the
spring, nor did the new drapes in the Temple of Time, nor did the multitude
of screaming offspring she would have gladly bore for him. Link was gay and
there was nothing that could be done about it. Zelda was and still is rather
bitter, and declined to comment on the matter any further when asked.Because of the desperate shortage of young, heterosexual men in Hyrule, many women were forced into rampant lesbianism as an alternative
means of affection, and it wasn’t long before the kingdom declared a state
of emergency when the ratio of gay couples outnumbered the straight couples
five to one. No one complained too much except for the government, but even
its initial squawking over the ‘Queer Wave’ triggered by the Hero of Time
died down after a while, which, coincidentally, was around the same time as
when Princess Zelda stopped pissing and moaning about her ‘lost prince’ and
found bliss in the ample bosom of a sexy brunette co-ed from HKU (Hyrule
Kingdom University--GO WOLFOS!)Malon became a Madam after Link discovered he was gay, and opened an
illustrious bordello out of Lon Lon Ranch that was and still is the talk of
Hyrule. Good looking women were in abundance and so she had quite an
extensive list of call girls enough to satisfy the entire male population of
the country, twofold.Malon proved to be a stupendous businesswoman and quickly rose to
fame and fortune after abandoning her old life as a stereotypical bumpkin.
Besides, farming and ranching had never quite suited her as she could never
seem to keep her calves together. Once the Hylians had gotten over the initial horror of the news
concerning the Hero and his new consort, what followed was an almost jovial
-if slightly offensive- pardon to the beloved Link because, after all, if it
weren’t for him they’d all be getting their eyes pecked out by crows while
the vermin grew fat on their carcasses. So no one could really complain too
much. Good-humored pub patrons began placing bets on which of the two would
be the one ‘making a deposit in the other’s First National Bank of Arse’, to
put it crudely. So far the money was on Link since Sheik looked to be the
most blatantly bent of the couple, but what they hadn’t seen the gay side of
Link yet, and boy was it gay, and apparently had been the entire
time.His home back in Kokiri looked the same as all the others on the
outside, but on the inside he had furnished it with Ligne Roset furniture of
the Pascal Mourgue design collection, accented nicely with a wide variety of
contemporary and minimalist décor. He was only eight when he refurnished the
interior in the au courant look (which can easily be considered the
conventional conformist’s first choice as far as styling goes), so naturally
he was pardoned for his childish ways as he had yet to graduate to more
refined tastes.He was ostracized by his fellow Kokiri for being different. His only
friends in the village were the girls. He was regularly bullied and kicked
around by the boys, and thus much of his childhood was spent learning how to
cook, play the ocarina, dress dolls, and of course accessorize. His best
friend Saria admitted later that she had her doubts about Link’s orientation
when he began to wear a tunic skirt instead of shorts like the other Kokiri
boys, much shorter than any girl dared to wear one (and he often went
commando for inexplicable reasons). Saria herself wore tunic shorts, and was the first, last, and only
girl to do so in the history of the Kokiri people. Of course, Link later
discovered that she was a carpet muncher and that this was evidentially why
the two of them hit off so well.He was, in fact, extraordinarily queer: he spent far too much
time in the company of fairies over the years, and he could never seem to
have enough outfits or footwear. His favourite pair of shoes was his hover
boots with the quote ‘precious’ wings on the heels, making him the only fag
in Hyrule who could give the phrase ‘light in the loafers’ a literal
meaning.Link collected clothes like the IRS collected taxes on April
15th, and when he ran out of space in his closet he decided to ask the
Great Deku Tree if he had any room to rent, to which the Great Deku Tree
promptly sent him on a dangerous quest to see if he could straighten the
little twink out. He failed of course, but Link managed to save the day in
the end and make it back in time to catch the season finale of Kink in
the Kingdom. And he hit puberty and got a boyfriend out of it, after
all.To further seal his inevitable fate, during his whirlwind romance
with Sheik at the time of the quest and long after he had come to terms with
his own haphazard hormones that pointed him towards the Land of Cock, Link
got his ears pierced by Impa, who was famous for being the biggest, baddest,
most decorated (by ‘decorated’ meaning ‘tattooed’) dyke in Hyrule. She
currently runs a tattoo and piercing parlor in Kakariko, after she found she
had a knack for impaling the soft flesh of young men and women with sharp
metal instruments. Link was lucky to get away with just his ears pierced;
Impa was quite enthusiastic about a ‘Tripple Nipple’ job in which each
nipple is skewered thrice with a slender awl, or the infamous ‘Cheriffic
Chode’ (which I daren’t describe to you, but is quite bloody and enough to
send the manliest man screaming to his mother).
Now, you’re probably all asking by now what this story has to do
with vampires or their teabags, and all I can say is shut the fuck up and
listen because I am about to tell you, my dearest, most precious nits whom I
love and cherish.Link, like any other healthy young man, has had his share of sexual
discovery (of course he has, otherwise he wouldn’t have found out that he
was gay) but unlike most normal boys, his experiences have almost always
ended horribly and messily. For you see, since his prepubescent years, Link
has been afflicted with a terrible and by now a well-known condition among
anime characters known as hyperaphrohaemoproboscisekrixia (hye-per-aff-row-hee-mow-pro-bos-kis-eh-kricks-ee-uh),
or the explosive rush of blood from one’s nose when one sees/hears/thinks of
something considered ‘naughty’. It can be quite the mood-killer, especially when you have a
frustrated Sheikah boyfriend who can’t get beyond second base with you
without needing a case of Kleenex® or a raincoat. Nothing seemed to work:
bucket masks, paper towels, therapy, counseling or oven mitts. It simply
stood no chance against the awesome PSI of the bloody flood that surged from
Link’s virgin facial orifices. This debilitating inability to
utilize sexual facility filled the
young Hylian with all sorts of anxiety and angst until one day after a
particularly bloody evening where Sheik had said the words ‘hot thigh’ and
‘juicy meat’ in the same sentence (over a dinner of Kakariko Fried Chicken),
word came to Link from his flaming friend Vulvagina (formerly known as
Volvagia, the beast of Death Mountain who was by now more drag than dragon)
that some old bitch on the edge of town owned a shop that specialized in
helping people with blood flow problems. Link took the advice and set out to
find this shop, wasting no time because he knew that Sheik was probably
getting very tired of spending more moments of intimacy with his hand rather
than him.Heinimus Beech was her name, and she was a heinous bitch. She ran a
holistic medicine shop for vampires, which is of course absurd because
vampires never got sick or worried about getting old or having irritable
bowel syndrome. But she apparently got some sort of clientele because she
was still in business by the time Link arrived there that evening.She was an ugly old hag, had a face like a cart wreck (and even
that was being flattering), a smile like a yellow picket fence, and tits
that sagged worse than a pair of panty hose with rocks in the feet. She also
talked as if she were born and raised in Hoboken New Jersey, but that goes
without saying. She was one of the few ugliest women Link had ever
encountered, but he wasn’t repulsed by her appearance. Rather, he was
relieved that he wouldn’t have to break the heart of some swooning young
girl by begging her to know where she got those cute heels from.Heinimus looked up from her Goth Topic magazine at the hot young
piece of ass that strode through the door, and knew immediately what the
problem was.“Bloody Nose Syndrome. Horny boyfriend. Nothin works. How can I
help yas.”Link gaped. “How did you know all that?”“I’m psychic, sweetheart,” she muttered, grinding her cigar butt
into the ashtray. “I read tha tabloids.”She held up a copy of that week’s Rational Inquirer which
displayed a candid photo of a blood-drenched Sheikah coming out of the local
amphitheatre with a very embarrassed looking Hyrulian at his side. And in
big, bold size 200 font above: Heroic heartthrob diagnosed with sinus disorder.
Consummation out of the question?
More details inside!
Link looked vaguely annoyed. “You really are a bitch,” he said to Heinimus, who batted her fake eyelashes at him.“Now then,” she croaked, leaning on the counter, “what product can I
interest ya in?”“I don’t know. What have you got?”And Heinimus took Link all around the store and showed him the wide
variety of brands of sanitary sinus staunches available for sexually serious
young men. There were big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, and
Link was so overwhelmed at the selection that he didn’t know where to begin.“So,” he said nervously as Heinimus ushered him into a dressing room
to try on a few of the items, “are you sure that this is going to solve my
problem?”“Ah course it will,” the old hag insisted, waving a cigar around in
the air as she gestured with her hand. “If I had a rupee for every kid who’s
come ta me in tha same fix as you, I wouldn’t be runnin this shithole right
now.” She took a drag off the stogie that would have killed Al Capone
stone dead and handed the Hylian a box through the curtain. “Try these on.
They’re th’ Junior Lites, an’ th’ top choice ‘a first timers.”“…are you sure there’s no other way?” Link’s worried voice came from
the other side. “I mean, haven’t you got some kind of medicine I can take
that’ll make it go awa-”“Look, princess, this ain’t some kinda fuck magical la-dee-dah
potion shop. This is tha real world, an’ in tha real world, if
ya’ve gotta problem, ya fix it tha best way ya knows how. An’ this
just happens ta be the best way ta fix a bloody schnoz.”“But- but I can’t put these up my nose! It isn’t natural. The blood
was meant to come out. I can’t keep it dammed up in there forever.”“Well ya ain’t s’posed to wear ‘em foreva, stupid! Didn’t ya read
the instructions on tha box? At least once every eight hours fa light
bleedin, once every two ta three hours fa heavy bleedin. Fa God’s sakes,
it’s like twalkin to a brick woll.”“Oh, I see! The instructions are right here…”Heinimus grumbled. “Listen, kid. D’ya love ‘im or not?”Link’s face appeared from behind the curtain, fretful but filled
with firm, undeniable resolution. “I do love him. More than anything.”“Gee, that’s sweet,” Heinimus reflected. “Now ram those plugs up ya
nose an’ thinka how great it’ll be gettin nailed like a plank.”“Hey, how did you know that Sheik is the dom? Do I really act that
gay?”“Bitch, please.”With a scowl, the curtain closed behind Link and several long
minutes of rustling and paper tearing came from the dressing room. Later,
some heavy panting and a few whimpers of pain followed as the efforts to
insert the nasal tampons were evidently met with a certain degree of
resistance and much physical discomfort.“I can’t do it!” Link cried at last from behind the cloth.Heinimus sighed in annoyance. “Are yas puttin it in right?”“Yes! It hurts! It won’t go in.”“Ya have to relax, stupid. It’ll neva go in if ya tense, now take a
deep breath an’ just slip it inside.”“IT HURTS!”“Then ya puttin it in at the wrong angle! Push towards yas,
not away.”“It’s too big. My nostrils are going to get stretched out.”“Ya nostrils aren’t gonna get stretched, an’ even if they do they’ll
go back to their normal size once tha bleedin stops.”“I think I want to try one without the applicator.”“You’ll neva get it in at that rate. Just calm down an’-”“But it feels like it’s going in too far!”“Trust me, sweetheart, there’s no such thing as goin' too far.”“But what if it gets stuck up in me?”“It won’t.”“…ah! Anh!”“Don’t push too hard, just let it-”“Ah!”Silence.“I god it! I put it id!”“Mazel tov,” said Heinimus, lighting her fifth cigar of the hour.A beaming blond Hylian drew back the curtain, looking as bright eyed
and cheerful as a young man could with a string dangling out of one nose
hole.“It just sort of popped id. I can’t eved feel it now!”“Uh, honey, ya gotta tuck the loose end up in ya nose. Othawise ya
look like a retard.”“Oh. Oh right. Okay.”“Ya think ya ready now?”“Oh yes!” Link exclaimed, blushing proudly. “I’m ready! What do I
owe you?”“Nothin.”“Really?”“Well, there is one thing that ya could do fa me…”Link kicked down the front door of Sheik’s apartment later that
evening and sprang into his surprised boyfriend’s lap, breaking a few
springs in the red leather Barcalounger® and eliciting a sharp scream of
discomfort from its owner. The Sheikah tried to ask what in the heck was
going on, but Link beat him to his own lips and soon had the easy chair
crashing over backwards as the outer garments began to leap off of both
their persons.“Link! What-!” Sheik gasped when he was able to get his mouth free.
“Why the-! How come you’re not-”“Bleedig? I god that problem fixed,” the Hylian murmured huskily,
pupils already dilated with the effects of pre-orgasmic stimulation. “Id’ll
never bother us ever agehd.”“Why are you talking funny?”Link grabbed Sheik by the collar and shouted with unbridled joy,
“CAUSE ME SO HORNY, BABY!”What followed that profound and well-addressed statement can only be
described as a raging, carnal smorgasbord of limb-contorting sex the likes
of which would make the Kama Sutra appear to be naught more than glorified
yoga instructions. For two days and three nights the untamed orgy went on
until there remained no surface in the house untouched by genetic material,
and it didn’t end until Sheik finally passed out on the dawn of the third
day, much to the collective relief of his long-suffering neighbors who
would later that afternoon sell their stories to the newspapers.So, with his embarrassing teenage issue taken care of, Link could at
last partake in all the fabulous, fleshly delights he had read about in
Cosmo without having to worry about his hyperaphrohaemoproboscisekrixia
harshing his buzz. Sheik was the happiest, most satisfied man in Hyrule
after that, because several years of sexual repression on Link’s part caused
the Hylian to get turned on as easily as a light switch, and the Sheikah was
always ready to park his bone in its happy, newfound garage. The entire
kingdom rejoiced for the pair and entered a new age of peace, harmony, and
lots of steamy hot Hylian loving.The story could very well end here with a ‘and they fucked happily
ever after’, but it wouldn’t answer your questions about how this grotesque
little anecdote has anything to do with vampires’ teabags. I will now
present you with the conclusion:“All I ask,” Heinimus Beech had said to Link as he prepared to
depart with his 36 boxes of Kokiritex® sinus tampons, “is that ya mail tha
used plugs back ta me. So I can, uh…dispose ‘a them in a proper hygienic
manner. Yeah.”“All right. If you say so,” Link had agreed. “You want that Hylian
Express or UPS?”“HyEx, ‘a course.”But what Heinimus Beech didn’t tell Link was that in addition
to running a holistic medicine shop for vampires, she also ran a teashop for
vampires. And with Link’s bloody sexcapades into the wonderful world of
Willy Wanker, she was able to launch a new line of Hero® brand teas that
were the delight of bloodsucking connoisseurs all over Hyrule. And that, my dear little nits, is the story of Link and the
Vampires’ Teabags.The End